GEORGE GRAY by EDGAR LEE MASTERS

I ran across this poem in a book I have...

I have studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me -
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment,
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid:
Ambition callled to me, but I dreaded the changes.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire -
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.

IT'S COMING....

November 2010 -

CLEANING IT UP AND MOVIN' IT OUT!

Since we got home from Ireland, my husband and I have been cleaning, doing yard work, landscaping, going through stuff and boxing it up to take to Goodwill, and painting.  Yesterday I took 5 boxes of stuff to Goodwill.  Today I took 2 truckbed loads of cardboard (some of that the moving boxes) to the recycle place.  The funny thing is, we've hardly even started!  As soon as I finish painting a few shelves and doors, we'll start moving stuff into that bedroom that I painted.  That's when the real "cleaning it up and moving it out" begins.  After I took the cardboard boxes to the recycle place, I realized that I hadn't saved a couple boxes to put stuff in to take to Goodwill.  :0+  A couple of nights ago I went through all our movies.  I found 2 duplicate dvds. :0)  I packed those along with all our vcr tapes into a box for our kids to go through before I give those away to Goodwill.  By the time I get through, I'll probably have to add the guys at Goodwill to my Christmas card list. :0) 

I told my husband I think we have enough projects planned to last us for the next 5 years at least!

BAKED SCONE

I've been painting Bab's old bedroom for the past month.  That's right, the past month.  I started out really well and had most of it done, then I started traveling.  One trip to Moab and one to Utah, which in-between I wasn't able to paint at all.  So for the past 2 days I've painted either all morning, or all afternoon.  I finally have almost everything done, including the trim.  All I have to do now is paint 4 shelves that go in the closet, the 2 closet doors (both sides) and the bedroom door. 

I wasted a lot of time masking the room with tape.  I ended up ripping it all off.  I found I can paint it a lot more even without the masking tape.  I can "eyeball" it with just a cheap, flat brush and can paint a straight edge just using that.  Last summer we had our house painted, and one day I was in the den and the painters were outside on the patio painting the overhang.  I watched one of the painters with a steady hand painting the trim that way.  I thought, "I can do that!"  Now I know I can!  I have to admit that every once in a great while, my hand would shake and I'd mess up, but all you have to do is keep a rag and bucket of water ready to wipe that mistake away. 

I used a flat "Baked Scone" Behr paint for the walls and "Decorator White" for the trim.  It looks nice!  Once I'm done we can finally move the bed in there that has been in storage up against the wall in the other guest room for the past 2 years.  Also, we're going to move my desk in there and then my husband and I can each have our own "office". 

I have to admit, sometimes I miss going in there and not seeing all Bab's movie and music posters... :0)

MORE ON GETTING OLD.....

I was watching tv today and saw 2 commercials within just a few minutes of each other that were pretty depressing.  The first commercial was The Six-Million-Dollar Man, Lee Majors, starring in a commercial about hearing aids.  Hearing aids!  And even though you could tell he had makeup on that made his face look pretty good, you could see the wrinkly, saggy skin under his chin and on his neck.  This was a little hard to take - The Six-Million-Dollar Man is OLD!!!

If that wasn't bad enough, a few minutes later another commercial came on starring The Fonz, Henry Winkler.  He was in a commercial for a retirement plan involving your mortgage!  I have to admit that The Fonz looked a lot better than Lee Majors, but a RETIREMENT PLAN??? 

It's bad enough having to look in the mirror everyday, without turning on the television and seeing these once hunky men getting ready to use a walker!  Aaaauuuugggghhhhh!

THE NOTEBOOK

I went to visit my parents a week or so ago and picked them up to take them to Inklings' daughter's wedding.  My husband and I spent the weekend with them there and then took them back home where we spent a few more days visiting. 

After spending that long traveling and visiting with them, I have decided to start a notebook.  This notebook is not a journal, but will be a list of "HOW NOT TO ACT WHEN I AM OLD".  For instance:

#1 - Always remember that you are OLD.  Your body is old.  It does not feel nor act like it did 10 years ago.  Remember that you cannot walk, act, nor keep up with your adult children who are much younger than you.  If they say it is too far to walk somewhere, it is too far for YOU.

#2 - If someone asks you if you would like to hold their arm when you walk, it is probably because you do not appear steady on your feet.  You may be doing one of the following: swaying when you walk, not able to walk in a semi-straight line, panting or wheezing as you walk, making people question if you are on medication that makes you dizzy or if you have been drinking.

#3 - You do not always have to be right.  You may be old but alas, you do not know everything.  This also means that you do not have to insist that you are right over and over and over, when your spouse is insisting that you are wrong over and over and over. 

#4 - Aruging constantly with your spouse erases all the happy, golden years when your children thought your marriage was almost perfect.

I'm sure there's more that I could add, but I started getting carried away and had to stop myself. :0+  If you have any ideas, leave a comment.

NOT CUTE ENOUGH...

Whenever I am visiting my parents and we are walking into the house, church, or store, I try to hold the door open for them since they are elderly and do not walk stable.  My father, who is very stubborn, will not allow me to do this for him.  He won't let either of my sisters to do this either.  Last week when I was visiting them, we went to one of the national parks nearby and stopped at the visitor's center to use the restroom and to get my parks' "passport" stamped.  When Dad and I were walking in the visitor's center, there were 2 young girls ahead of us.  When they got to the door, one of them held it open while her friend and I walked in.  I said, "Thank you" to her and wanted to also add, "Good luck honey, my Dad won't let you hold it open for him."  I was very surprised when my Dad also walked in the door she was holding open and said "Thank you" to her also. 

So Inklings and Delirious, the moral to this story is that I guess we are not cute enough, young enough, nor do we dress scantily enough, to be able to hold the door open for Dad.   :0)

A TRIP AND A WARNING...

I won't be posting for a week or so because we are going to go pick up my parents and go to Inklings' daughter's wedding. 

I just wanted to post a warning here.  Recently I have had several Oriental people get on my blog and leave comments.  I know they are Oriental because their blog names and comments are written in Oriental characters.  I know they are not commenting, but are leaving a link to their blogs which are pornographic sites with their pictures.  This is a warning to those people to stop leaving their links on my blog, or I will report them to Blogger.  Until now I have just been deleting their comments/links.  From now on, I will report every single one, so stay away from my blog.

SELF WORTH

I'm writing this story, not to get sympathy or recognition in any way from anyone.  This experience is not about anyone, but is an experience that happened to me this week which resulted in these thoughts.

My husband and I went to Moab this week.  I had 2 experiences where total strangers said some not very nice things about me when they thought I couldn't hear them.  I have to be honest and admit that it did bother me, but I tried to let it go so as not to spoil my trip.

The day after we got back, my husband and I had an appointment across town.  We were right on time, but had to wait, as the person we were meeting with was running over with his previous client.  While we were waiting, the man across from me (who was waiting for his wife) started talking to me.  At first I thought it was just chit chat, but then it turned to down-right insults to me.  The same insults that the people from Moab were saying.  Finally I decided that I either was going to have to deck him, get up and leave, or tell this guy off.  Now this guy was in his 80's and I had to think he might be a bit senile, and I also try to think of myself as a good Christian and Mormon, so I try to not argue, tell off, or insult people.  So I finally decided that I needed to just get up and leave, which I did.  As I was leaving, this guy said, "I didn't mean to run you off!"  I said, "You just did" and walked across to the other side of the room where there was a partition where I stood behind.  A few seconds later my husband, who really hadn't been paying attention came over (He thought I had gotten up because it was time for our appointment).  He said as he got up to leave, the guy said to him, "You're with her?"  I guess he thought I was alone. Whatever.

I was very angry with myself that this guy had upset me so bad.  In fact, he had upset me so bad that I told my husband that I wouldn't be able to stay for our appointment, but was going to go shopping at a store nearby instead.  Just then, the guy we had the appointment with came out with his client.  While he was saying goodbye to him, I decided to just go ahead and stay.  I decided I could control my emotions better if I stayed for the appointment, rather than leave and give in to them. 

I have to admit that this bothered me quite alot.  I think it would have bothered me regardless, but because of the incidents in Moab, it was just salt in the wound.  As I thought of this all day long...yes...All. Day. Long,
I started to think about an incident in one of the Harry Potter books.  I remember when I read it, that I thought that J.K. Rowling had really got this "right on".  It's the part in THE DEATHLY HALLOWS where Harry has followed the Doe Patronus out to the pond and he sees the Sword of Griffindor down in the pond.  He jumps in to get it but can't get out because he is wearing the necklace Horcrux around his neck and Ron (who has followed him) jumps in to save him.  After they get out they decided that they need to destroy the necklace Horcrux right then, and Harry tells Ron to do it.  Ron says he can't do it and is afraid, because he says the Horcrux affects him worse than it affected Harry and Hermoine. When Harry opens the necklace, Voldemort starts to taunt Ron (and I've condensed this next part):

      "Stab," said Harry, holding the locket steady on the rock.
      Ron raised the sword in his shaking hands: The point dangled over the frantically swiveling eyes, and Harry gripped the locket tightly, bracing himself, already imagining blood pouring from the empty windows.
      Then a voice hissed from out of the Horcrux.
      "I have seen your heart, and it is mine."
      "Don't listen to it!"  Harry said harshly.  "Stab it!"
      "I have seen your dreams, Ronald Weasley, and I have seeen your fears.  All you desire is possible, but all that you dread is also possible...."
      "Stab!" shouted Harry; his voice echoed off the surrounding trees, the sword point trembled, and Ron gazed down into Riddle's eyes.
      "Least loved, always, by the mother who craved a daughter...Least loved, now, by the girl who prefers your friend....Second best, always, eternally overshadowed..."
      ..."Ron!" he shouted, but the Riddle-Harry was now speaking with Voldemort's voice and Ron was gazing, mesmerized, into its face.
      "Why return?  We were better without you, happier without you, glad of your absence....We laughed at your stupidity, your cowardice, your presumption -"......
      ...."Who could look at you, who would ever look at you, beside Harry Potter?  What have you ever done, compared with the Chosen One?  What are you, compared with the Boy Who Lived?"...
      ..."Your mother confessed,"  sneered Riddle-Harry, while Riddle-Hermione jeered, "that she would have preferred me as a son, would be glad to exhange..."
      "Who wouldn't prefer him, what woman would take you, you are nothing, nothing, nothing to him," crooned Riddle-Hermione......

Finally Ron stabs the Horcrux and destroys it.  This part really reminds me of how Satan can play on your depression, bad mood, or low self-esteem.  He can't read your thoughts, but he knows exactly the thoughts to put in your mind to make you think even worse of yourself.  I think it's important to remember this, even though I also know (from experience) that is is very important to ignore these thoughts and feelings. It's hard to do, and I'm still trying.

In the Book of Mormon after his father, Lehi dies, Nephi falls into a bit of depression:

"O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities."

Nephi doesn't give in to these feelings, but goes on to say:

"Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul."

He recognizes that Satan has encouraged him to feel these pains of depression and tells himself to "...give place no more for the enemy of my soul."  He recogizes that Satan is the enemy that has put these thoughts into his head.

I struggled with this all week and really didn't even want to go to church on Sunday, but I was playing the organ so I had to.  During the last hour, the women's lesson was on "Gratitude".  I know gratitude has nothing really to do with depression, but during that lesson, the things that were said caused me to think of a solution of how to get these thoughts out of my head.  And the funny thing is, this is the very solution that I have always used but for some reason couldn't seem to get to this point.  I think just hearing that lesson on gratitude, made me feel grateful that I didn't have any worse problems at the moment.  So now - the solution - that I always tell other people but couldn't seem to get to myself - is to just quit thinking about it.  Just stop.  Every time I think about it I tell myself to stop and think about something else.  I even accused myself of "dwelling on my sorrows" and "wallowing in self-pity".  Probably true, at least for the past week.  But now I'm done.  I need to consider the source and realize it was just a crazy old man and why would I let a crazy old man make me crazy?  I can let my Dad do that if I want to. :0)  I'm still glad that I got up and walked away.  Staying and arguing wouldn't have done any good and wouldn't have changed his opinion one bit. 

Do me one favor. Like I said above, I'm not seeking for sympathy, compliments, or anything else like that.  If you would like to leave a comment, please remember this.  If you've had a similiar experience and want to share your feelings, please do so.  Any compliments, praise, or sappy sympathy will be deleted.