Fear Factor

Well, I'm about done with all the Christmas concerts. I have one more to go next Sunday. Last Sunday I went to one where several choirs and groups were performing. I was singing with one choir and playing for another choir. I was looking over the program when I got there and saw my name on ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER! YIKES! I didn't even know we were doing it there! It was a number we had done at another concert, and I guess she forgot to tell me we were doing it there also. Anyway, thank goodness I had my music with me. That number was "The Coventry Carol" with piano, violin and harp. The number I had to accompany the choir for was "O Holy Night". It was a different piano accompanyment than just the standard "O Holy Night" you always hear. I rate it up with the more difficult numbers I have ever done. In fact, one part I just basically had to memorize, because it was so difficult, I couldn't look at the music and at my hands at the same time. I normally don't look at my hands much, but in this part they are jumping all over the piano so you have to. Anyway, I practiced and practiced and practiced. I played it perfectly at home. I played it perfectly at practiced. And I screwed it up at the performance. I didn't totally screw it, but I did lose my place twice at those two hard spots. I just totally lost where I was for a measure or two. Twice. The choir director said he didn't notice, but that was just because there was a lady playing the organ and a lady playing the violin along with me. Thank goodness for the cover. If I had been playing it alone, it would have been obvious. The thing that gets me though is the "fear factor". I can play it at home and at practice, but when you add the "fear factor" into it, that's why I screw it. I tell myself all the way up there, "You can do this, you can do this." But when I sit down to play it, my evil twin says, "No you can't, you're going to screw it up." And I do. I wish I could learn how to focus and block all that out. Well, I have one more chance. I'm going to play the same song next Sunday. Like I tell my husband whenever I get up to go up to the piano to perform: "Pray for me."